Best man speech

(This speech is specially written to illustrate the technique of roasting, where the best man is a close friend of the groom, and no holds are barred ! To roast someone means to subject him to a certain amount of funny comedic, but harmless, insults during a speech. A roast is really a verbal caricature, where even minor quirks or defects are exaggerated, so that there is just a little ring of truth about them. However, it is essential to be subtle, and to learn the art of stopping before giving offence, and at all times to avoid vulgarity. "If in doubt, leave it out".)

Ladies and gentlemen,

The brain is the most wonderful part of the anatomy until the moment a person  gets to his feet to make a speech, then it goes completely blank.                                                 

I really thought that having to follow a speech by the previous speaker, Sylvester, would be difficult, and I was right, as I could'nt follow a word of it.......          

Nevertheless on such an occasion as this, it is indeed a great honour and a privilege to to have the opportunity to pay tribute to the wonderful couple that is John and his beautiful bride, Clarissa.

Having said that, let me also say at the outset, that the bridesmaids, Natalie and Jessica, also looked stunning today, and were only outshone by the radiant beauty of John's  wonderful bride, Clarissa, who is now off the shelf and leaves the available list!  What a sad day for all  single men, I'm sure you'll all agree!                                                                                                                                      

However, I would like to say thank you to you all, ladies and gentlemen, for your attendance at the wedding ceremony today.Your presence is a great tribute to the bride and groom, who are honoured and deeply grateful for your being here with them on this their  wedding day.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

I would also like to thank also my assistants, the ushers Bruce and Dave, for the excellent way that they performed their duties today. Of course it was a stipulation for the wedding that the ushers weren't allowed to look better than the best man today, and I'm pleased to say that they achieved this admirably !  Well done guys!

When John asked me to be his best man, I was obviously very flattered. Then I realised that I would have to give a speech at the wedding, and at some point during the speech I would have to say some thing nice about John. The problem is I've had very little experience doing either... so please bear with me!! But I do remember that -

I could never say that John was an ugly baby, but the mid-wife slapped his mother on the day he was born!

John's mother only got morning sickness after he was born.

At playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds. He was 11 !

 Of course, he is now very well read  - he has read all 45 of the Mr. Men (toddler) books from cover to cover!

He's so infuriating that, when he was 15, his parents left home!

He takes education very seriously - he even revises for blood tests!

His understanding of religion is exceptional - so much so that he believes that the Book Of Genesis was written by the popstar Phil Collins!

 He thinks the menopause is a control button on his DVD.

He has'nt got many faults, but he makes the most of the ones he has!

He has this driving, irrestible, aggressive, compulsion to do nothing.

It takes him half an hour to get to work - after he gets to his desk.

However, as well as giving this speech, it seems that there are three other main duties which I must perform as a best man...

1.The first is to get John here on time by making sure he was well prepared for his big day. Well I can assure you all that he was in bed nice and early and that he slept like a baby - in fact twice during the night he  woke up screaming for his mother!

2.The second was to get him here to the wedding looking presentable with his face and hair in good order. Unfortunately,  Mother Nature didn't get this right first time around! So what chance has anybody else ?

3.Finally,  I was to ensure that no ex-girlfriends showed up impromptu to spoil the ceremony. Thankfully, this wasn't a problem as the recent outbreak of  Swine Flu saw most of them either corralled or quarantined during the current pandemic!

As you know, John and Clarissa have been together for years. And as everyone knows, they love to travel.  In fact, it is said that they both have a  bigger carbon footprint than Alan Wicker. Scientists have estimated  that they are single handedly responsible fof about 25% of global warming and the submerging of some lowlying islands! They have visited many unique places throughout the world, including Rome, The Vatican City, Venice, St. Mark's Square,  The Bridge Of Sighs, The Las Vegas Strip,  Sandy Lane and The Bahamas, The Great Wall Of China  and  The Empire State Building in New York City - some very romantic places, ideal for a proposal of marriage, you might think!

Well, that may be true, but John chose some altogether different location, his own local pub in __________.  So!    Not the romantic location one would expect!  But  this  decision  by John to propose to Clarissa in his local, will have to remain one of life's three great mysteries - the others being the fact that men have only nipples, and that women always go to the ladies room in pairs!

However, during the marriage ceremony couples take each other for better or worse. Well, John, in finding Clarissa you really couldn't have done any better. She is smart, funny, warm, loving, caring, charismatic, gregarious   and stunningly beautiful.  Clarissa, I'm not so sure about your find - the jury is still out  on John!!

Anyway, I decided that the best course of action would be to speak to a few people who know John to find out what they really think of him. I spoke to his work colleagues and I found that many of them referred to him as being Godlike - he is rarely seen, he is holier than thou, and if he ever does any work its a bloody miracle!

Of course, many of you will be aware that John and Clarissa have quite recently purchased their first house together. The house does require a little bit of DIY work and anyone who knows John,  will know that he is not exactly a DIY king.  However, in order to get the house looking good he assures me that since moving in he and Clarissa have been banging and screwing at every opportunity!

But John truly is a lucky man to be marrying Clarissa today. She is a wonderful lady who deserves a good husband---so I think that John has done a fantastic job in marrying her before she had a chance to find one!

However, on a more serious note, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to say that John is really a true gentleman, whom it has been my  privilege to know and to have as a friend for most of my life. I know him to be a reliable,  kind,  and  gentle person - the kind that you would be delighted to bring home to meet your Mammy. He is caring and sensitive, and Clarissa is indeed a very lucky woman to have married a person of such high qualities, who has a very infectious sense of humour, and who is widely regarded by his many friends and colleagues. John is an unaasssuming, intelligent and talented man, who has a wide circle of friends, and who would make an ideal husband for any woman, not just the stunning Clarissa, whom he has married today.

They are both so well suited to each other - it really is a marriage made in heaven!

Therefore, on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone for sharing with us this unique and special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.

I would also like to thank our magnificent bridesmaids, for the meticulous attention they paid to the wonderful bride that is Clarissa, for the way they ensured that everything went inch-perfect and swimmingly throughout the day.

Finally, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Clarissa and John, our bride and groom, and join with me in wishing them both good health , happiness and a wonderful life together.

May the road rise with you both, and may the wind be always at your backs.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         May the sun shine warmly  on your faces, and the rains fall softly on your fields.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         May you be rich in blessings, and may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Health, wealth and happiness to you always!